Trying to stay detached
Thursday, 26 September 2002 07:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
carose59Hitler Painted Roses*
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Let's not be paranoid, shall we?
Well, I'm trying not to be, or overly sensitive, or whatever you want to call it.
I'm trying to deal with people who do not get my life telling me how bad it is, and the words feel like anti-prayers. Not curses, exactly, not wishes, but . . . bad vibes. (I'm still a flower-child; bad vibes is a perfectly acceptable term for a flower-child to use.)
I finally had to back off and stop talking about it, because the bad vibes were getting all over me (I know how it sounds!) and I couldn't take it. It was throwing my harmony off, kicking me out of tune with the Universe. (Yeah. I know. OK? But who else even has a vocabulary for these feelings?) But the need to defend my life is strong, even while the necessity makes me angry. I don't want anybody else's bad vibes all over my life, I've got enough negativity in my life.
But explaining gets me nowhere, and I have to absorb a terrible distortion of my life to even try, which eventually just gets too painful. No one has ever done this with stated intentions of hurt, but all that pain does make me wonder. And when I tell them it hurts, my pain is dismissed, which makes me wonder even more.
I need some flowers to put in my hair, need to sing a little, dance a little. Need to lie in the sunshine and mellow out, man.
*Title of a short story by Harlan Ellison
-:- -:- -:- -:-
Let's not be paranoid, shall we?
Well, I'm trying not to be, or overly sensitive, or whatever you want to call it.
I'm trying to deal with people who do not get my life telling me how bad it is, and the words feel like anti-prayers. Not curses, exactly, not wishes, but . . . bad vibes. (I'm still a flower-child; bad vibes is a perfectly acceptable term for a flower-child to use.)
I finally had to back off and stop talking about it, because the bad vibes were getting all over me (I know how it sounds!) and I couldn't take it. It was throwing my harmony off, kicking me out of tune with the Universe. (Yeah. I know. OK? But who else even has a vocabulary for these feelings?) But the need to defend my life is strong, even while the necessity makes me angry. I don't want anybody else's bad vibes all over my life, I've got enough negativity in my life.
But explaining gets me nowhere, and I have to absorb a terrible distortion of my life to even try, which eventually just gets too painful. No one has ever done this with stated intentions of hurt, but all that pain does make me wonder. And when I tell them it hurts, my pain is dismissed, which makes me wonder even more.
I need some flowers to put in my hair, need to sing a little, dance a little. Need to lie in the sunshine and mellow out, man.
*Title of a short story by Harlan Ellison