Detours, getting lost, changing where home is

[carose59]

"Hate Is A Prison. But You Know What, Rick? Prison Is A Prison, Too."*

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Part Two: Strange in a stranger land

As I said, without Starsky & Hutch fandom, I felt like the man without a country. I had loved that fandom and those people so much, but they were so intertwined, I couldn't unravel the love of the show from the disconnect from the people. For a long time, I kept writing and submitting stories, even though I never read the zines I got. I was writing because it's what I do. Eventually I was overtaken by anger--I didn't want the people who had exiled me reading my words! and I finally stopped writing Starsky & Hutch.

Then, quite by accident, I stumbled across Twin Peaks.

I loved Twin Peaks, and I loved writing my novel, but it was lonely there. If there were slash fans, I couldn't find them. I missed having a peer group. I wanted some friends to jump off a cliff with.

And once I'd finished the novel, I didn't have much more to say about Twin Peaks, so by that time I was ready to fall in love with a new fandom.

April introduced me to Wiseguy, and I was hooked. And it was so exciting to be in the same fandom with her again, and I knew other people were in it, at least one a very good friend. This was going to be great.

I met Ninon de Lenclos right away, and we seemed very compatible. (That is, she was an organized control freak and I was me.) I started into a hypo-manic state and felt the need to redefine some old relationships that were making me unhappy. Ninon encouraged this--until I wanted to redefine our relationship. (It's been my experience that people always want you to stand up for yourself unless it's them you're standing up to.)

Long, long, really long aside: There are many things I don't care about. For example, I'd rather go to a restaurant I don't like with a person I do like than to a restaurant I do like by myself. I don't mean I don't like to eat alone, I mean I can eat alone wherever I want to, and I'll give up going someplace I like to spend time with somebody I like. People come before stuff.

So I have this tendency, when I make a new friend, to go along with what they want, particularly if it's something I have no feelings about. So for a long time Ninon and I (metaphorically) went out to eat regularly, with her always choosing where we would go and me not caring. She always had logical reasons for her choices. I'm a great believer in logic, but I think one of the most logical things you can do is do things you enjoy. This went on for a while until I said I wanted to eat someplace different. And my reason wasn't logical.

Now, I have this foolish idea that if I let the other person have their way repeatedly--and without question--it's not unreasonable for me to ask to have my way occasionally--and without argument. I see it as a matter of taking turns, and I've allowed them to have numerous turns without taking one. I should be allowed to have my turn, too.

This is not true. Other people see this as suddenly changing the rules on them, and they get really upset about it. This is especially true of control freaks. When I raised this point, I had my manic-depression used against me. I was crazy, so anything I said that Ninon didn't want to hear could be dismissed.

(It has also been my experience that most people value the thing over the person. That is, if I tell someone about something is important to me and they can't find any intrinsic value in that thing, my attachment to it is illogical and can be dismissed. But I learned from my mother to value the person over the thing. If something is important to someone, and that someone is important to me, then that something is, by extension, important. Fans are good at transcending this as far as TV shows and movies go, but my experience has been that other than that they aren't much better than anyone else. It's important to me is not a good enough reason.)

I don't want to make it sound as though things were always bad with Ninon; it's just that that's what I'm writing about here. And even before there were problems between us, there were problems.

Before all of this, when things were good between us, virtually none of my old friend could stand her (for reasons that had nothing to do with anything I've written here), and I was dissuaded from being friends with her. She wasn't supposed to come to our room at Media*West--though I don't recall ever being asked by a roommate if I minded who they brought to the room, and sometimes I did mind. Once again I was being put in the position of "her or us," and once again, I chose her. I always do. It's not about being right, it's about being loyal. And what was I supposed to say to Ninon? "I'm sorry, I can't be friends with you anymore, my other friends don't like you"? Really?

With my older friends now distant, I had no one to turn to when things got bad with Ninon. She didn't like the way I wrote. Not what I wrote; my writing habits. I was too undisciplined, I wanted to play, I didn't get down to work. We were writing together at this time.

Very true. If writing had been hard for me, I never would have started it. I don't have the discipline or the focus. And for me, writing is play, particularly writing fan fiction. If it wasn't fun, I couldn't see the point. We'd have these arguments where I'd feel like I was in a Laugh-in sketch. Sid Caesar and Henry Gibson were oarsmen on a Viking ship, and Sid says to Henry, "I've never been on one of these cruises before. How much do you tip the guy with the whip?" It got to be where I was wrong about everything, and I was still supposed to tip the guy with the whip.

(Are you wondering where Pat was in all this? She was right there with me. The problem was, Pat was--

Have you ever watched Burn Notice? Pat was Fiona. Somebody hurt my feelings? Let's blow them up! This was fine if we were talking about my arch nemesis, but when I was just having what I believed was a temporary problem with someone I wanted to stay friends with, I'd have to keep the details to myself, or Pat would be out mailing off pipe bombs to people who'd made me cry. I spent a lot of time talking her down.)

Besides the problems with Ninon, there was the little fact that there really wasn't a Wiseguy fandom anymore. There were people who were still very fond of the show, and were happy to read my stories, but I was in the first throes of love, and there was no one but Pat to share that with. The friend who had gotten me into Wiseguy in May was onto something else by October, and disappointed in me for not following her, which really got my back up. Still, it was satisfying writing the stories; the characters resonated with me in a way Starsky & Hutch never had. They still do.

I don't remember how things fell apart with Ninon. I know it was before my father died, because I contacted her to let her know. I did it because you have to. If you don't, it's weird later. I told her when Pat died, too.

After Pat died, everything was different.


*Charlie Crews