Argument with Myself

[carose59]

Argument with Myself


(just be quiet.)

But--I TRY SO HARD TO BE GOOD!!!

I want so much to be the good girl,
                                        dependable,
                                        competent,
                                        smart--
the one who's always there
who never causes any trouble
& knows what to do
               what to say,
will listen to you cry
       or make you laugh.

I've been wearing that uniform for longer than I can remember--
following my mother around
      saying the right thing
       being quiet
       being good
     staying out of the way.

(just be quiet.)

    Waiting patiently to be noticed.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOBODY EVER GOT NOTICED,

SITTING IN A CORNER,

WAITING!

Sitting in a corner, you turn into a piece of furniture
& at the end of the day, everyone goes away,
turns the lights out,
leaves you there alone in the dark.


Well, why not?

Nobody picks up the end-table 
and takes it along for company!

(just be quiet!)

           (this is unfair.
      you know it's unfair.
        There are people who love you, 
                people who notice you--
               and you do this to yourself!
   nobody told you you had to be an end-table.)


No.  I just knew.

And I can be patient--though I hate it.

(just be quiet!)

I can wait, & I can let go.
I can be understanding,
I can--

the trouble only comes when I'm tired
sore
worn down & alone.
And don't want to be.

(just be quiet.
   being quiet is the only way you can be loved!)

When instead of being the end table, I want to stand on one,
shriek: LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!!

Time is so short--
we're all dying every second

Soon you'll be gone
  or I will
    & we'll never laugh together again
     & I'll never get to ask you what your favorite song is
    or tell you mine.

(this is self-destructive.
letting your tears show always ends badly,
always chases away the one person you want to hold close.)

I just don't know how to shut up. 
I don't know how to be quiet forever, crying silently.
  Waiting leaves too much time for thinking
wondering what I'm waiting for, &
      would anyone wait for me?

I had to stop asking for what I want.
It was always too strange, to obscure, too unimportant.
I didn't really need it (I was assured)

Asking for attention
Asking for what I want
Risks rejection.
Good girls don't
ask.
This sad weakness humiliates me.

Saying the words
Letting you see
I'm ashamed.
I want to be good.
I want not to be any trouble
I want to be the one person you can count on
                  not to complicate your life.


I understand the risks here.
If I stay quiet,
   I'll go crazy with all the words trying to get out.
   I'm always being told I have to speak up for myself,
have to say what I want.
(of course, when you do, the same people who told you that
suddenly don't want you anymore.
you weren't supposed to say it to them.)
(you think there's a connection?)

If I speak up . . . .

So I say the words, & I cry, & that is the end.
You stop loving me.
Too much trouble.
I was supposed to be a quiet end-table
the dead girl in the glass coffin
(you think Prince Charming was
                           thrilled
                           when Snow White woke up?
he probably hated her for talking.
He was looking for an ornament.)

Not that anyone would mistake me for ornamentation.

It's unfair to judge the future by the past,
          but impossible not to.
What else is there to go on? 
Maybe you aren't everybody else;
maybe you really are different.
Maybe you'll stay, even if I cry for you
even if I fall apart.

Maybe.

(maybe)