Living in Exile

[carose59]

Living in Exile


Your thoughts in my head,
I see you every moment, past and future.
Somehow time has become
          nothing but a pane of glass I can see
                     but cannot reach through
to touch you
& the longing tears at me,
                     shreds me,
                      leaves me dissolving in my own tears.

The moments of your life
                             & mine
                                            touch

                                but we do not.

(I am assured of that.  You are not here.
                   These thoughts are not yours,
                                      not
 even the ones I know are
                                      not
 mine.
                                      Not
 ever.

                                       It is my overactive
imagination alone

keeping me afloat.)

How is it possible then
                 that I can ache for you so
                 that your voice haunts me?

 Some days (this day) I want my life back.


                     Today is cool & rainy
                          a
counterpoint that day last year--
                   the hot, unrelenting sunshine.
I was close to melting,
                         desperate

trying to preserve every scrap,

buy back every wasted moment

seduced

                         dismissed
 
                                                 abandoned




forgotten

What if I had let my bright smile slip
            had broken down
         sat on the steps & cried
                      begged & pleaded, 
Oh, God, don't make me leave, 
            don't make me get on that plane.
                       Let me stay.
                               Please.
                               Please.
                               Please don't send me away.
                               This is where I belong.


 It makes no sense, but it's true.



Instead I bled away my heart's blood

                                                   quietly

into the hot

            uncaring

                                  air


and left my life behind.