Long, Long Time
Sunday, 26 July 2020 08:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
carose59You don’t want to read this.
I don’t want to write it, but I don’t have a choice.
You do. Go away and come back when I can laugh again.
I’ve been rewatching The Rockford Files. It’s a comfort show for me. It was working until yesterday, when a woman sang a song.
Love will abide, take things in stride
Now, you have to understand, there are songs—and this is one of them—that shoot straight into my heart and burrow, that stay there for days, not like ear worms so much as termites that tear me apart.
I try to avoid them.
Sounds like good advice but there's no one at my side
And time washes clean love's wounds unseen
That's what someone told me but I don't know what it means
They do this to me under normal circumstances; I was raised by a mother who played heartbreak songs and cried, and I cried with her.
I was born nostalgic.
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you for a long long time
I was born sentimental.
When I was very young, they couldn’t take me to Mass because the organ music made me cry.
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
Sometimes it seems like I’ve been crying my whole life.
(Except for a dry spell a few years ago when my antidepressant distanced me far enough from my life, all I could do when bad things happened was laugh. Everything was absurd. I wish I felt that way now.
I wish I felt that way now.)
…
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think it's gonna hurt me for a long long time
The last friend who dropped me told me I knew why she was doing it, then blocked me every way you can block someone.
I was more baffled than hurt; things had been going bad for a while. I took our emails to my therapist, to see if there was something I’d missed, but there wasn’t, nothing she could find.
She was the most recent, but hardly the only one who decided I was more trouble than I’m worth.
And, actually, I kind of agree with them all, but I have to stay with me. I have no place else to go.
Wait for the day
You'll go away
Knowing that you warned me of the price I'd have to pay
But I didn’t come here to talk about that; I only mention it so you understand how sensitized I am to abandonment, to disappearances.
When I was very little, maybe it was the first time, we went to the hospital so my mother could visit my father on the locked ward, and my maternal grandmother came too, probably because I wasn’t allowed in.
Why didn’t Grandma and I just stay at home?
Maybe my mother needed her mother with her, though it’s hard to imagine her saying so.
Anyway, she left us in the car and I became hysterical. My father was gone for reasons I couldn’t understand and now my mother was leaving
Abandoning me.
I remember hitting the window, screaming, and sobbing.
Sometimes that seems like the story of my life.
And life's full of flaws
Who knows the cause?
Living in the memory of a love that never was
So when my cat leaves me, chooses to be away from me, it hits all my sensitive spots. I thought he loved me, but—
Please don’t give me explanations of cats. I’m not talking sense her, and sense won’t fix this pain.
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and change your mind
And I think I'm gonna miss you for a long long time
Because there are really only too options here: either he doesn’t want to be here, or something is terribly wrong with him and he can’t come home.
And I love him too much to hope there’s anything wrong with him. I’d rather be abandoned again by the only one I love right now.
And what's killing me isn't that he doesn't love me anymore. It's that he doesn't believe I love him.
So for the rest of my life, I'll call his name whenever I open the front door, or a window, because if he's out there, I need him to hear me wanting him.
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you for a long long time
I don’t want to write it, but I don’t have a choice.
You do. Go away and come back when I can laugh again.
I’ve been rewatching The Rockford Files. It’s a comfort show for me. It was working until yesterday, when a woman sang a song.
Love will abide, take things in stride
Now, you have to understand, there are songs—and this is one of them—that shoot straight into my heart and burrow, that stay there for days, not like ear worms so much as termites that tear me apart.
I try to avoid them.
Sounds like good advice but there's no one at my side
And time washes clean love's wounds unseen
That's what someone told me but I don't know what it means
They do this to me under normal circumstances; I was raised by a mother who played heartbreak songs and cried, and I cried with her.
I was born nostalgic.
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you for a long long time
I was born sentimental.
When I was very young, they couldn’t take me to Mass because the organ music made me cry.
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
Sometimes it seems like I’ve been crying my whole life.
(Except for a dry spell a few years ago when my antidepressant distanced me far enough from my life, all I could do when bad things happened was laugh. Everything was absurd. I wish I felt that way now.
I wish I felt that way now.)
…
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think it's gonna hurt me for a long long time
The last friend who dropped me told me I knew why she was doing it, then blocked me every way you can block someone.
I was more baffled than hurt; things had been going bad for a while. I took our emails to my therapist, to see if there was something I’d missed, but there wasn’t, nothing she could find.
She was the most recent, but hardly the only one who decided I was more trouble than I’m worth.
And, actually, I kind of agree with them all, but I have to stay with me. I have no place else to go.
Wait for the day
You'll go away
Knowing that you warned me of the price I'd have to pay
But I didn’t come here to talk about that; I only mention it so you understand how sensitized I am to abandonment, to disappearances.
When I was very little, maybe it was the first time, we went to the hospital so my mother could visit my father on the locked ward, and my maternal grandmother came too, probably because I wasn’t allowed in.
Why didn’t Grandma and I just stay at home?
Maybe my mother needed her mother with her, though it’s hard to imagine her saying so.
Anyway, she left us in the car and I became hysterical. My father was gone for reasons I couldn’t understand and now my mother was leaving
Abandoning me.
I remember hitting the window, screaming, and sobbing.
Sometimes that seems like the story of my life.
And life's full of flaws
Who knows the cause?
Living in the memory of a love that never was
So when my cat leaves me, chooses to be away from me, it hits all my sensitive spots. I thought he loved me, but—
Please don’t give me explanations of cats. I’m not talking sense her, and sense won’t fix this pain.
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and change your mind
And I think I'm gonna miss you for a long long time
Because there are really only too options here: either he doesn’t want to be here, or something is terribly wrong with him and he can’t come home.
And I love him too much to hope there’s anything wrong with him. I’d rather be abandoned again by the only one I love right now.
And what's killing me isn't that he doesn't love me anymore. It's that he doesn't believe I love him.
So for the rest of my life, I'll call his name whenever I open the front door, or a window, because if he's out there, I need him to hear me wanting him.
'Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you for a long long time