There are times this happens:

[carose59]

I have to read my email or listen to my voicemail, and I can’t.

I can’t.

My heart beats hard and my hands feel trembly and I’m absolutely convinced that whatever I read or hear I will not be able to cope with, that it will overwhelm me.

That instead of a businesslike message, it will be a long list of my failures, not only on the subject of the email, but me as a person. “You are very bad. You are very, very bad.”

It’s worse when I have to make a phone call or send an email. I wish I could drink, I’d have a shot before I dialed.

What is the right tone, what are the right words, to convey a message that will not make me look stupid, pathetic, bad, wrong, wrong, wrong?

I don’t know. So I freeze.

Sometimes this extends to friends. Sometimes I can’t text back because words hard misunderstood, get it wrong, wrong, wrong. And then they’ll hate me forever.

I have a thank-you note sitting on my desk that I can’t bring myself to mail. How bad could a thank-you note possibly be?

But dealing with people is like disarming bombs, and I don’t know how to disarm bombs.

So I do nothing. I ignore simple tasks because my fearful mind won’t let me do them (wrong) and things come due, past due, we’re turning off your service due.

And things only get worse.

It isn’t that I don’t know how to do these things; I know perfectly well. I’ve been the responsible adult for over 30 years. But then I think, what difference does it make? It’s only me.

Comments

[catalenamara]

I feel the way about phone calls; I'm always convinced I'm going to get it wrong. I feel better about emails because I type them in Word and go over them multiple times before sending. (And then I worry that I still said something wrong, because yes, people can go BOOM unexpectedly, and sometimes I said something wrong, and sometimes - the other person is reacting to something other than me or my words. And, without being in their head, there's no way to understand why they reacted like they did.)
Which is a longwinded way of saying, it's not always me. It's not always you. Sometimes it's them. But I still worry over everything I send.

[carose59]

You are right, sometimes it is just them. Thank you!

[catalenamara]

You're welcome!