poem

[carose59]

synonyms:
crowd, band, club, gang, party, assembly, clique, posse, coterie, gathering, pack, association, syndicate

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I'm not a joiner.

Which doesn't mean that being excluded doesn't hurt.
(Does that make no sense? It does. No sense. Shh. I try to keep quiet about it. Shhhh.)

Groups make me uncomfortable. I know exclusion, and so I try to be inclusive, but with groups—
it's hard.
Meeting eyes, listening, lots of smiling. My face hurts. And do I repeat myself and bore those who were there first to
include those who came late?
I've always come late
unless I don't come at all.
I worry about the things no-one else sees.

Groups make me nervous. Do I belong here?
When I leave, will the whispers come out?
About my ponderosity and the amount of space I take up, about
my effluvium and how I should bathe more, about
my eating, messy and over-enthusiastic and greedy, about
my words, off-the-wall, but not interesting at all?
Why was I there, anyway?
No polite way to tell me to go.

Groups frighten me. Even groups of friends have been known to decide,
"No. You don't belong here. Get out."
and turn to biting,
then pretend it never happened.

Joining is a leap from a tall, tall building:
first there's flying.
Then there's falling.
It never ends well.