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The Life and Times of Frank Kolinski
Summary:
A loving, but snarky, synopsis of Jonathan Banks’s role on "Falcon Crest"
Notes:
I stayed up all night watching "Falcon Crest" episodes, starting with the first one Jonathan Banks was in, and ending with the last one he was in. I also watched the in between ones he wasn't in.
And as I watched, I wrote this, so you won't have to watch them.
Even though you really, really should.
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
When we first see Frank, he’s explaining things to his underling (Jeff Kober, who played Rack on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"—he sold the dangerous magic to Willow). From what I could figure out, they had been pulling some kind of “Anastasia” scam on Caesar Romero (best known as the Joker on “Batman.”)
Their Anastasia is played by Kim Novak, so of course she’s getting too deep into her part and doesn’t want to give up Jimmy Stewart—
I mean, she doesn’t want to stop pretending to be the Joker’s daughter. She’s also dating John Saxon, best known to “Starsky & Hutch” fans as the Vampire Rene Nadasy.
Rack says she’s so convinced she really is Anastasia, she’d never tell on them, but Frank doesn’t care. He has orders from his superior. They have to fake Anastasia’s suicide so she can disappear. I have no idea what Frank, Frank’s superior, or Rack are getting out of this. Killing Anastasia doesn’t make any sense to me, and I don't think it's because I missed the beginning of it.
Anastasia spends her day being publicly suicidal in a TV sort of way. She gives away things that mean a lot to her, and melodramatically says how much she loves the people she’s giving them to. Amazingly, these people actually notice there’s something peculiar about this behavior.
By a stroke of luck, that night there’s a birthday party for the Joker, and all of the people Anastasia behaved peculiarly around are there.
Anastasia is not.
The Joker and the Vampire Rene Nadasy go looking for Anastasia, which eventually leads the Vampire Rene Nadasy to the bridge where Rack is trying to throw her off because . . . I’m not sure. Maybe he didn’t understand what a fake suicide was.
But the Vampire Rene Nadasy foils his nefarious scheme and takes Anastasia with him. She explains everything. We don’t hear this explanation because we’re already supposed to know what’s going on and not just be watching it for a few minutes of Frank here and there.
Whatever she says, she convinces the Vampire Rene Nadasy to fake her death.
Everyone is very sad, except Rack and Frank, who know that Anastasia is still alive. Rack goes to talk to Frank in his . . . private movie theatre, where he’s eating popcorn and watching an old movie I don’t recognize. (It is not "Mr. Sardonicus.") Frank offers Rack some popcorn, tells him he’s disappointed him, tells him how much he likes old movies, and has another henchman kill him.
Goodbye, Rack.
When next we see Frank, he’s in a car, having followed the Vampire Rene Nadasy. Robert Foxworth—possibly best known for playing Chase Gioberti on "Falcon Crest,” but who was also on “Babylon 5” as General William Hague—suggests they go to Frank's car to brace him, but Frank powers up his window and has his chauffeur drive him away.
David Selby (best known for playing the Werewolf Quentin Collins) also knows that Anastasia isn’t dead, but I’ve been watching carefully and they did not tell us how he knows this. Maybe it’s a werewolf thing.
Once again, Frank is watching the Vampire Rene Nadasy, but this time he’s alone, so Frank talks to him. Frank wants to know where Anastasia is. The Vampire Rene Nadasy says she’s dead. Frank does not believe this and he drives away.
This is not the most scintillating conversation I’ve ever heard. It’s not even the most scintillating conversation I’ve heard on this show.
Frank shows up again at the Vampire Rene Nadasy’s place of business. He sells—or maybe rents—heavy machinery. Frank is looking at a piece of heavy machinery, and when he sees the Vampire Rene Nadasy is aware of his presence, he gives him a creepy, knowing smile and shakes a magazine at him.
Later, after Maggie has her baby in Angela’s living room—a baby delivered by General William Hague (her husband) and the Werewolf, Quentin Collins (her boyfriend)—while her daughter’s boyfriend plays Chopin on the piano—
Look, that part is completely irrelevant, but it’s just my favorite part of the whole series.
Anyway, the Vampire Rene Nadasy and his son, Lorenzo Lamas (best known as Fernando Lamas’s son), are walking down a dirt road in the grape fields, doing something grapey with their shirts off, when Lorenzo Lamas notices that there’s a car following them.
Yes. Frank is “inconspicuously” following the Vampire Rene Nadasy down a deserted dirt road in the grape fields. Frank is quite the arch villain. (We don’t actually see him.)
Later, when they’ve put their shirts back on and are riding around on horses, Lorenzo Lamas chases Frank’s car (on his horse, not on foot). This time, Frank stops, smiles creepily at Lorenzo Lamas, and says he’s surprised that the Vampire Rene Nadasy hasn’t told him anything. Then he smiles even more creepily and gets back in his car.
Frank is working for Robert Stack (best known as Eliot Ness)! Frank is supposed to find and kill Anastasia while Eliot Ness watches!
His name is actually Frank! Frank Kolinski! In the credits he’s just listed as Kolinski, and nobody has called him by any name thus far. The Werewolf Quentin Collins digs up the information that he works for Eliot Ness. I’m not sure why he’s interested in Anastasia—who he knows isn’t really Anastasia.
Eliot Ness plays billiards with the Werewolf Quentin Collins, after which he confers briefly with Frank. Later, after overhearing a conversation between Anastasia and the Vampire Rene Nadasy, Eliot Ness sends Frank after Anastasia (who is now disguised as Judy Barton [“Vertigo”]).
Once again, Frank shows up to menace the Vampire Rene Nadasy. He points a gun at him, but the Vampire Rene Nadasy won’t get in his car. Frank gets out to menace him up close and personal, but just then the Werewolf Quentin Collin’s assistant shows up, pretending to be a reporter doing a story on Frank. She knows his whole name, and what kind of car he has, and that the gun he’s threatening the Vampire Rene Nadasy with is a .38. She asks Frank if he’ll take her for a ride in his car, and gives him her card. For some reason, this is enough to scare Frank off. I’m really hoping he explains this to Eliot Ness, because I’m very confused.
Frank is upset because his name is on file at The New Globe (a newspaper people fight over ownership of when fighting over vineyards loses its appeal). Eliot Ness is also upset about his name being on file at The New Globe. (That part makes no sense. He’s a big businessman; he was just at a wine shindig getting his picture in the paper. He’s a rich, high-profile guy, which is not the same as being a hired killer.)
The Joker goes to threaten Eliot Ness, but other thugs won’t let him in. He examines his gun for a while, then leaves. Eliot Ness calls Frank and tells him to put the Joker on a leash.
The Werewolf Quentin Collins tells the Joker that a) Anastasia isn’t dead, b) she wasn’t really his daughter, and c) the Vampire Rene Nadasy knows all this.
This leads to the Joker and the Vampire Rene Nadasy to going off to find Anastasia, followed by Frank and some other fine, upstanding citizens who work for Eliot Ness.
But when they get there, there’s nobody there. The Vampire Rene Nadasy attacks Frank and the Joker gets his gun. They establish that none of them know where Anastasia is.
Frank reports back to Eliot Ness that Anastasia is even more missing than ever. Eliot Ness refuses to accept that.
By the process of elimination, Eliot Ness deduces that the Werewolf Quentin Collins knows where Anastasia is, and he and Frank go to menace him. Eliot Ness offers money and help to destroy Angela Channing (Jane Wyman, best known as the woman smart enough to divorce Ronald Reagan). Trying to destroy each other is the way people on “Falcon Crest” show they care.
But the Werewolf Quentin Collins refuses to be menaced, and he turns down Eliot Ness’s offer. (Frank menaces by silently looking very impressed with his boss. Well, you know, as impressed as Frank ever looks.)
Frank then abducts the Werewolf Quentin Collins’s assistant (the one who scared him off before). To be fair, he does take her for a ride in his car.
Frank, Eliot Ness, and a couple of thugs take the assistant to Carmel (I assume California, though there is a Carmel, Indiana) where Anastasia is hiding. I’m not sure why. I guess the assistant told them where Anastasia was, maybe. Anyway, by sheer coincidence, the Vampire Rene Nadasy sees this abduction take place and manages to follow them, even though he’s not in a car at the time.
Two of the lesser thugs break into the house and Frank steals Anastasia’s purse. Anastasia isn’t in the house. Eliot Ness tells Frank to “spread his men out,” which isn’t going to be easy because there’s only two of them, plus the chauffeur, who they left in the car for the Vampire Rene Nadasy to choke into unconsciousness.
Then he drives away with the assistant, which seems fair, since she rescued him earlier.
There were other thugs in another car—one of them played by Mitch Pileggi, best known as FBI Director Skinner. One thing you can say for Eliot Ness, the man knows how to pick the best muscle.
But they still don’t find Anastasia and don’t seem to know what’s going on.
(The reason all this is happening is, Anastasia has a son by Eliot Ness and of course he wants him back.)
Anastasia breaks into Eliot Ness’s office and begins poisoning his cigars (from a bottle that says POISON on it. I think she bought it from ACME). Eliot Ness has actually forgotten to bring a cigar with him, so he returns to his office, catching Anastasia sneaking out.
They argue, her pointing a gun at him. Then Frank calls. He’s found the son at daycare. He’s calling from their office, and he’s wearing felt moose antlers, and if that isn't worth all the rest of this, I don't know what is.
Eliot Ness takes out a possibly-poisoned cigar and starts to light it, prompting Anastasia to decide not to shoot him, which makes sense after she went to all the trouble to poison his cigars. She leaves.
She goes pick up her son, and sees a uniformed officer going into the daycare. But he’s just there to pick up his daughter.
I don’t know what Frank did with the daycare workers, but when Anastasia and the LEO come in, he’s playing Simon Says with their two kids. They say his name is Wally. Frank is unable to do anything because of the LEO, but he leers menacingly at Anastasia as she and her son leave.
That night, outside the latest Falcon Crest party, the Vampire Rene Nadasy meets Anastasia. She just wanted to say goodbye, but he tries to get her to stay, so she pulls her gun on him.
Down in the wine cellar, Eliot Ness makes a private call to Frank, who isn’t there. When he hangs up the phone, he lights a possibly-poisoned cigar.
The Vampire Rene Nadasy asks where Eliot Ness is and goes down to the wine cellar, where he finds Eliot Ness lying with his head in a pool of blood. He dies before saying what happened, but to me it looks like somebody hit him over the head with a wine bottle. Anastasia’s gun didn’t have a suppressor on it, and the party upstairs wasn’t that loud.
But we’re not here for an autopsy; we’re here for Frank. And next we see him drive up to Falcon Crest. Director Skinner must have gotten him the message that Eliot Ness wanted to see him, because he goes to the wine cellar.
Except for him wearing the antlers, this is my favorite of his “Falcon Crest” scenes. At first he seems baffled about why his boss would be lying on the floor. As he gets closer and sees the blood, he does a perfect Jack Benny hand-to-face. Then he covertly looks around (just with his eyes, he never moves his head) and walks closer to Eliot Ness and removes his wallet. He doesn’t take the wallet; he only takes the money, of which there is quite a wad. Frank is unconcerned about fingerprints, which is strange for a man who can be cowed by the idea that a newspaper has photos of him.
In Eliot Ness’s clenched fist, he finds a stud with a C on it; he must have pulled it off the Vampire Rene Nadasy when he was trying to talk to him. Frank whistles—in appreciation of a monogramed shirt stud? Because this evidence is so damning? Because he’d a real fan of the letter C? It’s hard to say. But he puts it back into Eliot Ness’s hand.
Then Frank stands up as nonchalantly as a person can when they’ve just rifled the body of their murdered boss, buttons his jacket, and walks away, whistling in a decidedly “I wasn’t doing anything, Officer,” way.
And this is the last we see of Frank Kolinski, aka Francis Xavier McPike.
Notes:
There are things every fan of Jonathan Banks should see.
This is one of them. His performance is very "Krull with a dog."
A loving, but snarky, synopsis of Jonathan Banks’s role on "Falcon Crest"
Notes:
I stayed up all night watching "Falcon Crest" episodes, starting with the first one Jonathan Banks was in, and ending with the last one he was in. I also watched the in between ones he wasn't in.
And as I watched, I wrote this, so you won't have to watch them.
Even though you really, really should.
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
When we first see Frank, he’s explaining things to his underling (Jeff Kober, who played Rack on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"—he sold the dangerous magic to Willow). From what I could figure out, they had been pulling some kind of “Anastasia” scam on Caesar Romero (best known as the Joker on “Batman.”)
Their Anastasia is played by Kim Novak, so of course she’s getting too deep into her part and doesn’t want to give up Jimmy Stewart—
I mean, she doesn’t want to stop pretending to be the Joker’s daughter. She’s also dating John Saxon, best known to “Starsky & Hutch” fans as the Vampire Rene Nadasy.
Rack says she’s so convinced she really is Anastasia, she’d never tell on them, but Frank doesn’t care. He has orders from his superior. They have to fake Anastasia’s suicide so she can disappear. I have no idea what Frank, Frank’s superior, or Rack are getting out of this. Killing Anastasia doesn’t make any sense to me, and I don't think it's because I missed the beginning of it.
Anastasia spends her day being publicly suicidal in a TV sort of way. She gives away things that mean a lot to her, and melodramatically says how much she loves the people she’s giving them to. Amazingly, these people actually notice there’s something peculiar about this behavior.
By a stroke of luck, that night there’s a birthday party for the Joker, and all of the people Anastasia behaved peculiarly around are there.
Anastasia is not.
The Joker and the Vampire Rene Nadasy go looking for Anastasia, which eventually leads the Vampire Rene Nadasy to the bridge where Rack is trying to throw her off because . . . I’m not sure. Maybe he didn’t understand what a fake suicide was.
But the Vampire Rene Nadasy foils his nefarious scheme and takes Anastasia with him. She explains everything. We don’t hear this explanation because we’re already supposed to know what’s going on and not just be watching it for a few minutes of Frank here and there.
Whatever she says, she convinces the Vampire Rene Nadasy to fake her death.
Everyone is very sad, except Rack and Frank, who know that Anastasia is still alive. Rack goes to talk to Frank in his . . . private movie theatre, where he’s eating popcorn and watching an old movie I don’t recognize. (It is not "Mr. Sardonicus.") Frank offers Rack some popcorn, tells him he’s disappointed him, tells him how much he likes old movies, and has another henchman kill him.
Goodbye, Rack.
When next we see Frank, he’s in a car, having followed the Vampire Rene Nadasy. Robert Foxworth—possibly best known for playing Chase Gioberti on "Falcon Crest,” but who was also on “Babylon 5” as General William Hague—suggests they go to Frank's car to brace him, but Frank powers up his window and has his chauffeur drive him away.
David Selby (best known for playing the Werewolf Quentin Collins) also knows that Anastasia isn’t dead, but I’ve been watching carefully and they did not tell us how he knows this. Maybe it’s a werewolf thing.
Once again, Frank is watching the Vampire Rene Nadasy, but this time he’s alone, so Frank talks to him. Frank wants to know where Anastasia is. The Vampire Rene Nadasy says she’s dead. Frank does not believe this and he drives away.
This is not the most scintillating conversation I’ve ever heard. It’s not even the most scintillating conversation I’ve heard on this show.
Frank shows up again at the Vampire Rene Nadasy’s place of business. He sells—or maybe rents—heavy machinery. Frank is looking at a piece of heavy machinery, and when he sees the Vampire Rene Nadasy is aware of his presence, he gives him a creepy, knowing smile and shakes a magazine at him.
Later, after Maggie has her baby in Angela’s living room—a baby delivered by General William Hague (her husband) and the Werewolf, Quentin Collins (her boyfriend)—while her daughter’s boyfriend plays Chopin on the piano—
Look, that part is completely irrelevant, but it’s just my favorite part of the whole series.
Anyway, the Vampire Rene Nadasy and his son, Lorenzo Lamas (best known as Fernando Lamas’s son), are walking down a dirt road in the grape fields, doing something grapey with their shirts off, when Lorenzo Lamas notices that there’s a car following them.
Yes. Frank is “inconspicuously” following the Vampire Rene Nadasy down a deserted dirt road in the grape fields. Frank is quite the arch villain. (We don’t actually see him.)
Later, when they’ve put their shirts back on and are riding around on horses, Lorenzo Lamas chases Frank’s car (on his horse, not on foot). This time, Frank stops, smiles creepily at Lorenzo Lamas, and says he’s surprised that the Vampire Rene Nadasy hasn’t told him anything. Then he smiles even more creepily and gets back in his car.
Frank is working for Robert Stack (best known as Eliot Ness)! Frank is supposed to find and kill Anastasia while Eliot Ness watches!
His name is actually Frank! Frank Kolinski! In the credits he’s just listed as Kolinski, and nobody has called him by any name thus far. The Werewolf Quentin Collins digs up the information that he works for Eliot Ness. I’m not sure why he’s interested in Anastasia—who he knows isn’t really Anastasia.
Eliot Ness plays billiards with the Werewolf Quentin Collins, after which he confers briefly with Frank. Later, after overhearing a conversation between Anastasia and the Vampire Rene Nadasy, Eliot Ness sends Frank after Anastasia (who is now disguised as Judy Barton [“Vertigo”]).
Once again, Frank shows up to menace the Vampire Rene Nadasy. He points a gun at him, but the Vampire Rene Nadasy won’t get in his car. Frank gets out to menace him up close and personal, but just then the Werewolf Quentin Collin’s assistant shows up, pretending to be a reporter doing a story on Frank. She knows his whole name, and what kind of car he has, and that the gun he’s threatening the Vampire Rene Nadasy with is a .38. She asks Frank if he’ll take her for a ride in his car, and gives him her card. For some reason, this is enough to scare Frank off. I’m really hoping he explains this to Eliot Ness, because I’m very confused.
Frank is upset because his name is on file at The New Globe (a newspaper people fight over ownership of when fighting over vineyards loses its appeal). Eliot Ness is also upset about his name being on file at The New Globe. (That part makes no sense. He’s a big businessman; he was just at a wine shindig getting his picture in the paper. He’s a rich, high-profile guy, which is not the same as being a hired killer.)
The Joker goes to threaten Eliot Ness, but other thugs won’t let him in. He examines his gun for a while, then leaves. Eliot Ness calls Frank and tells him to put the Joker on a leash.
The Werewolf Quentin Collins tells the Joker that a) Anastasia isn’t dead, b) she wasn’t really his daughter, and c) the Vampire Rene Nadasy knows all this.
This leads to the Joker and the Vampire Rene Nadasy to going off to find Anastasia, followed by Frank and some other fine, upstanding citizens who work for Eliot Ness.
But when they get there, there’s nobody there. The Vampire Rene Nadasy attacks Frank and the Joker gets his gun. They establish that none of them know where Anastasia is.
Frank reports back to Eliot Ness that Anastasia is even more missing than ever. Eliot Ness refuses to accept that.
By the process of elimination, Eliot Ness deduces that the Werewolf Quentin Collins knows where Anastasia is, and he and Frank go to menace him. Eliot Ness offers money and help to destroy Angela Channing (Jane Wyman, best known as the woman smart enough to divorce Ronald Reagan). Trying to destroy each other is the way people on “Falcon Crest” show they care.
But the Werewolf Quentin Collins refuses to be menaced, and he turns down Eliot Ness’s offer. (Frank menaces by silently looking very impressed with his boss. Well, you know, as impressed as Frank ever looks.)
Frank then abducts the Werewolf Quentin Collins’s assistant (the one who scared him off before). To be fair, he does take her for a ride in his car.
Frank, Eliot Ness, and a couple of thugs take the assistant to Carmel (I assume California, though there is a Carmel, Indiana) where Anastasia is hiding. I’m not sure why. I guess the assistant told them where Anastasia was, maybe. Anyway, by sheer coincidence, the Vampire Rene Nadasy sees this abduction take place and manages to follow them, even though he’s not in a car at the time.
Two of the lesser thugs break into the house and Frank steals Anastasia’s purse. Anastasia isn’t in the house. Eliot Ness tells Frank to “spread his men out,” which isn’t going to be easy because there’s only two of them, plus the chauffeur, who they left in the car for the Vampire Rene Nadasy to choke into unconsciousness.
Then he drives away with the assistant, which seems fair, since she rescued him earlier.
There were other thugs in another car—one of them played by Mitch Pileggi, best known as FBI Director Skinner. One thing you can say for Eliot Ness, the man knows how to pick the best muscle.
But they still don’t find Anastasia and don’t seem to know what’s going on.
(The reason all this is happening is, Anastasia has a son by Eliot Ness and of course he wants him back.)
Anastasia breaks into Eliot Ness’s office and begins poisoning his cigars (from a bottle that says POISON on it. I think she bought it from ACME). Eliot Ness has actually forgotten to bring a cigar with him, so he returns to his office, catching Anastasia sneaking out.
They argue, her pointing a gun at him. Then Frank calls. He’s found the son at daycare. He’s calling from their office, and he’s wearing felt moose antlers, and if that isn't worth all the rest of this, I don't know what is.
Eliot Ness takes out a possibly-poisoned cigar and starts to light it, prompting Anastasia to decide not to shoot him, which makes sense after she went to all the trouble to poison his cigars. She leaves.
She goes pick up her son, and sees a uniformed officer going into the daycare. But he’s just there to pick up his daughter.
I don’t know what Frank did with the daycare workers, but when Anastasia and the LEO come in, he’s playing Simon Says with their two kids. They say his name is Wally. Frank is unable to do anything because of the LEO, but he leers menacingly at Anastasia as she and her son leave.
That night, outside the latest Falcon Crest party, the Vampire Rene Nadasy meets Anastasia. She just wanted to say goodbye, but he tries to get her to stay, so she pulls her gun on him.
Down in the wine cellar, Eliot Ness makes a private call to Frank, who isn’t there. When he hangs up the phone, he lights a possibly-poisoned cigar.
The Vampire Rene Nadasy asks where Eliot Ness is and goes down to the wine cellar, where he finds Eliot Ness lying with his head in a pool of blood. He dies before saying what happened, but to me it looks like somebody hit him over the head with a wine bottle. Anastasia’s gun didn’t have a suppressor on it, and the party upstairs wasn’t that loud.
But we’re not here for an autopsy; we’re here for Frank. And next we see him drive up to Falcon Crest. Director Skinner must have gotten him the message that Eliot Ness wanted to see him, because he goes to the wine cellar.
Except for him wearing the antlers, this is my favorite of his “Falcon Crest” scenes. At first he seems baffled about why his boss would be lying on the floor. As he gets closer and sees the blood, he does a perfect Jack Benny hand-to-face. Then he covertly looks around (just with his eyes, he never moves his head) and walks closer to Eliot Ness and removes his wallet. He doesn’t take the wallet; he only takes the money, of which there is quite a wad. Frank is unconcerned about fingerprints, which is strange for a man who can be cowed by the idea that a newspaper has photos of him.
In Eliot Ness’s clenched fist, he finds a stud with a C on it; he must have pulled it off the Vampire Rene Nadasy when he was trying to talk to him. Frank whistles—in appreciation of a monogramed shirt stud? Because this evidence is so damning? Because he’d a real fan of the letter C? It’s hard to say. But he puts it back into Eliot Ness’s hand.
Then Frank stands up as nonchalantly as a person can when they’ve just rifled the body of their murdered boss, buttons his jacket, and walks away, whistling in a decidedly “I wasn’t doing anything, Officer,” way.
And this is the last we see of Frank Kolinski, aka Francis Xavier McPike.
Notes:
There are things every fan of Jonathan Banks should see.
This is one of them. His performance is very "Krull with a dog."