It’s my own fault, really. Well, sort of.

The Only Winner In The War Of 1812 Was Tchaikovsky.*

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The other day I needed to look up the proper spelling of Klaatu Barada Nikto. (No, really.) And you know google has this thing where, when you start to type something in, it lists a . . . list of suggestions. So I typed in “Klaatu B” and I noticed that one of the suggestions was “Klaatu Beatles.” Of course I had to check that out.

I’d forgotten about the band Klaatu, and the rumors they were really the Beatles got back together. (I actually own a copy of Klaatu’s first album, but only because I found it on sale for a dollar. And I can say positively that whoever started the rumor about them being the Beatles didn’t come to this conclusion from listening to this album.)

Anyway, then I had to sit and read the conspiracy theories that go along with Klaatu-is-really-the-Beatles (except Paul, who was dead, and was replaced by Billy Shears.) (Which, I always thought Ringo was Billy Shears. This is why I never made it the way I’d hoped to in the field of conspiracy theory).

Do you find the Paul-is-dead theories unconvincing? They are the soul of an algebraic equation compared to the Klaatu theories. My favorite example: “While there are 8 trees pictured right at the very bottom of the front cover of the band's first album, only 7 have their roots showing. There are 7 letters in the name Beatles.” Yeah, that’s it, the whole clue. You’re a true believer now, aren’t you?

So is it any wonder that after that I dreamed about the Beatles? Though it in no way explains the dream itself.

Nearly always in my dreams the Beatles are very much the way they were in A Hard Day’s Night. In this one they were that age, and famous, but not successful. (I don’t know exactly what they were famous for, if they weren’t successful.) People knew who they were, but they had earned very little money, so they had come up with a plan to raise capital so they could tour some more.

They were going to sell Paul.

Paul had not been part of coming up with this plan, and Ringo was explaining it to him. Since Paul was the cutest, they could sell him for the highest price. According to George’s figures, they’d have to sell both John and Ringo to raise anything close to the kind of money they could get selling Paul. (Nobody mentioned selling George. But then, he seemed to be the one working out the plan.)

Paul kept saying, “But that’ll break up the band!” and “I can’t tour if I’m owned by somebody else!” which nobody denied, but it was the only solution they had. During all this, John was standing behind Paul, either resting his chin on Paul’s shoulder or whispering things in Paul’s ear, until Paul snapped, “There’s no point trying to sweet talk me when you’re trying to sell me off to the highest bidder!”

Which is when George said they hadn’t even though of an auction, but that was a very good idea. If they made enough money, Ringo could get some new drums.

It was never clear just how they were selling him—like, to another band, or to a fan, or—I don’t know. I just know John wanted to make out before Paul left, but George and Ringo kept trying to tidy him up, brush his hair and straighten his tie—they kept telling John not to muss him up. And Paul was outraged by the lot of them. It all had the tone of the scene in Help! where John and Paul are casually asking Ringo just how much he uses his ring finger, and would he really miss it if it were cut off?


*Solomon Short

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