Bleeding heart

[I would have sworn I already posted this, but I can't find it. Anyway, dated March 13, 2004]

Rupture

I saw her on TV last night--myself.
A story about a little girl with...displaced attachment?
I don't remember what they called it.

She gets too attached to strangers--
looking for someone to rescue her.
And I watched her, attached, screaming & crying when she was being dragged away,
all I could think was,
I know her.
She's living inside me.

I know how to control her; I know how to keep her
from screaming & throwing fits
on the outside.
But on the inside, every goodbye is frenzied
panic-stricken
out of control.
"Parting is all we know of heaven
And all we need of hell."

In my divided mind, I can see so clearly how irrational I am
Like a mirror image doing something I don't approve of.
I try to keep her quiet
I try to make her be good.
Say goodbye with a kiss & a smile.
The world is not coming to an end, even though I know it is.
I know it is.

But even more than that, I know that if I screamed every time it hurt
I would simply live alone.

No one wants this pain.
(Don't blame them, I don't want it either.)
No one wants to look at it,
no one wants to acknowledge it.
A gargoyle in the living room.
It's so unattractive.

I smother it.
Cover my tears,
rename them hormones,
mood swings,
just one of those days.

You see
I thought she was never coming back.
It was where my father had gone, & he wasn't coming back (I thought)
and then she was gone, too.
Never coming back.

(Why my grandmother & I were sitting in the car, waiting,
if she was never coming back--?
well, I was three.
I was terrified.
I was not logical.)

I thought she was never coming back.
I was sobbing & hitting the window,
screaming because she was gone
my mommy was gone
my mommy was gone, she wasn't coming back--

She (grandma) couldn't calm me down.
Hysterical, I screamed--
I didn't want her!
(the only time I was scared enough to say that!)
I wanted my mommy!
How was I supposed to live without her?

Grampa was gone.
Daddy was gone.
I was never going to be pretty again,
never going to dance, or shimmer.
And now I was going to suffocate
in this world with no oxygen.


So, every day I have to say goodbye,
every day.
Not screaming, not crying
outside.

All I need of hell.