Cats that aren't mine

Gertrude Stein Was Right; A Mouth Is A Mouth Is A Mouth.*

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I don’t remember if I’ve written about this before, but there’s a cat that hangs around here, a calico who had kittens last year. She particularly likes my cousin’s front porch, and will hiss at anyone who bothers her (by walking past her). She is not looking for a home--she won’t have anything to do with any of us--and my mother and cousin and I all believe she has a home, because she’s just too well-cared for to be a homeless cat. (Also, she hasn’t gotten pregnant again, which, in my experience, is unusual for an unfixed female cat with access to males. My old calico, Mimi, got pregnant again a month after she had her kittens. [We found out she was pregnant again when we took her in to be fixed. Yes, Mimi had an abortion.])

Anyway, I started calling her Miss Calico, or Callie, because I name animals, even animals that aren’t mine to name. I’m not sure how many kittens there were to start, but I kept seeing a little yellow kitten around. I gave him a name, but then I discovered that there were three little yellow kittens. There are differences, but since two of them run like hell if you get anywhere near them, it’s hard to tell them apart. So, of course, I renamed them all Tommy.

(If you know 3d Rock From the Sun, this probably doesn’t require explanation, but if you don’t, here’s a short one. In the last episode of the first season, Dick is told he’s going to be replaced. In the next episode, his replacement arrives and is even more of a supercilious asshole than Dick quite often is. He calls Harry Tommy, and when corrected, he announces that Harry’s name will be Tommy from now on. When Tommy asks what his name will be, Dick says that Tommy’s name will also be Tommy. [Writing exactly what he said is problematic, for reasons you’ll see in a second.] “You’ll be Tommy, too.”

“Is that Tommy Two, or is it like Tommy also?” Tommy asks, and Dick yells that from now on they’ll all be called Tommy! So Harry, Sally & Tommy were all Tommy. So of course I had to name the three kittens Tommy!)

Anyway, whenever I see any of the kittens, I ask how the other Tommys are.

I confuse them, because I can’t stop talking to them. I’m a person who talks to cats, and no matter how hard I try, I just have to say hello, and ask how they are, and tell them they’re cute. I don’t try to pet them, or even get very close to them, I just talk. And if I’m far enough away not to feel threatening to them, they stare at me, all of them, even Callie, as though I’m saying something they almost understand me, and in one case, he looks like he’d like to come over and have me pet him.

I have a thing with cats. They follow me. When I’m out walking, I have to be careful not to speak to them or even make eye contact, because the last thing I want to do is accidentally lure some poor cat away from home, because you simply can’t explain to a cat that she shouldn’t go with you. You can’t explain anything to a cat.

I’m glad the Tommys are skittish; it makes them safer from people who might want to hurt them.


*Frank, Scenes From The Class Struggle In Beverly Hills