(to be read really, really fast, as though you're trying to finish before you start crying)
Food costs money.
Food is necessary for life.
Food tastes good.
Food feels good.
Food is good for you.
Food is bad for you.
Food is natural.
How natural is it? Food is unnatural, tampered with, DNA sliced & diced, frankenfood, "Nope, nothing wrong here." Will it kill you? How will it kill you?
Food makes you healthy, food makes you sick, food is what you share at parties, funerals,
food is why you get together, just for no reason.
Are you allergic to peanuts, latex, kiwi, cat fur, tomatoes, penicillin? are you diabetic, lactose intolerant, do you have Celiac's? Are you anorexic, bulimic, are you afraid of food?
Sugar is poison;
white sugar is poison, aspartame is better;
aspartame is poison, saccharine is better;
saccharine is poison.
Cyclamates killed Fresca.
I liked Fresca.
How much sugar is too much sugar? Honey is better. Have you heard the good news about Stevia?
Do you eat food with faces?
(Pansies have faces. Do you have any cooking chrysanthemums?)
Would you eat Bambi?
Are your shoes leather?
Do you use the whole buffalo?
How many spiders do you swallow in your sleep? (The answer is zero, that's a myth.)
What about roadkill, faced-creatures, already dead, killed by accident?
My crazy cousin told me about the toxic fear enzyme an animal releases when you kill it; murdered animals will murder you in return.
And why should cows have to surrender their milk to us?
Why should animals even have to be pets, let alone do work or be food? Up with canine Americans!
And don't forget the hormones that cause breast cancer, and the antibiotics,
there's antibiotics in everything, more than strontium-90, probably.
That's how my uncle got MRSA.
And where does the food come from? China sends us poison pet food, can poison people food be far behind?
What about the workers, how are they being treated?
Are we boycotting this store because of non-food related behavior?
But it's the only place I can get my fat free dark chocolate raspberry-pomegranate ice cream bars! Can't I skip my social conscience just long enough to get my ice cream fix?
And fruit, fruit is too complicated, who picked it, are we boycotting them?
What about pesticides?
What about the bees?
I want to eat all the fruit at once, but if I eat it all at once, I get diarrhea.
(I can't spell diarrhea, I had to let spellcheck do it.)
If I save the fruit for later, it goes bad, rotten apple, bad banana, over-exposed orange.
(I hate oranges, sneaky bastards, they're more trouble than they're worth with all that peeling.)
I can't bite into apples anymore, or pears, or anything else that might break my expensive new teeth. Apples now require planning.
Eggs are bad for you, eggs are good for you, don't eat too many, don't ask how many are too many, don't think about the way chickens are treated.
All you can eat means eat like you'll never see food again because food is expensive, food is hard. People judge you when you eat, fat people are always eating too much, even when we're not eating at all. Eat a piece of candy, it must be your second, third, tenth piece, you ate the whole bag, didn't you, and hid the wrappers?
I have sometimes.
All the candy isn't enough, and if you're fat you might as well eat candy because even if you don't, everyone knows you do, even if you don't.
Sugar is poison, sugar is love, sugar is as bad as cocaine.
(Cocaine is really cheap, considering you don't feel like eating for the next three days.)
How do you even buy food?
Chocolate makes you feel like you're in love. And you are, with chocolate.
Sugar is poison, fat is poison, trans fats are poison, salt is poison, cholesterol is poison.
But our brains are 25% cholesterol, and a lack of salt can cause heart attacks and strokes, and not enough fat can weaken your bones and impair kidney function, and every cell in your body needs sugar.
How do we eat?
Fish is brain food, fish has mercury, we're over-fishing the wild fish, fish farms are bad for the environment.
Kobe beef is just a brand name, cows should eat grass, not corn, beef is full of cholesterol and antibiotics (why do you think so many people are getting MRSA?) and it's called a cow and it has a face and it goes moo and when you kill it, it releases a toxic fear enzyme that may or may not exist and when I eat it, I feel so much better, I feel such peace.
The cow goes moo.
Pork has been bad since the beginning of time, a forbidden food, unclean, unhealthy, even if you're starving, don't eat pork.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
pesticides and breeding to make them pretty pretty pretty and taste like nothing. Maybe wax apples would be better.
The same with tomatoes, they taste like nothing, smell like nothing, are they even really good for you unless you grow them yourself?
How can you know? Everybody lies.
Don't talk about this with your friends.
My friends like chickens,
chickens smell terrible,
chickens are treated horribly,
and let's not forget the hormones and antibiotics, why do you think everybody has MRSA?
And the money wasted when I can't cook and the money wasted when I eat out.
Easier to ignore being hungry, sit in the car and eat yogurt and cry.
Is yogurt good for you? Probiotics, only there aren't enough to matter, you're just wasting your time, everything is futile.
When can we finally get those pills that contain a whole meal's worth of vitamins and nutrients?
When can we stop loving and hating food and just go on to being broken up with food, when will there be real Food Addicts Anonymous meetings? Not Overeaters—eaters. I want to go cold turkey, you should pardon the expression. I would never eat a turkey, turkeys have faces.
What about preservatives, will they even need to embalm me once the food has killed me, won't the preservatives to the job?
And eight glasses of water a day—it has to be water, other liquids need not apply. They seldom bother with pesky details, like what size these glasses should be, and of course they never tell you it's all made up, you get all the water you need from your food and cans of carbonated poison.
And coffee, which has caffeine and will kill you.
Fruit juice might as well be glasses of sugar water, you have to eat the whole fruit to be doing the right thing.
It's not the sugar, it's the carbohydrates. No bread, no white bread—and wheat bread is no better.
No white rice.
No potatoes, they're just big balls of starch.
There are no nutrients in iceberg lettuce, but eating raw celery will burn up more calories than the celery contains, cooked carrots are healthier than raw ones, potatoes are just a death trap, baby, a suicide rap.
Just have marshmallow ice cream for dinner, just snort powdered sugar, or shoot up maple syrup—it's not real maple syrup anyway, that stuff costs more than actual heroin, what you put on your pancakes high fructose corn syrup, iodine, hair tonic, and red dye #2.
High fructose corn syrup is worse than white sugar—it's the same as white sugar—
—an -ose is an -ose is an -ose.
Orange juice is just sugar water with calcium you didn't ask for added.
Live on superfoods, kale and pomegranates, blueberries and olive oil.
No butter, butter is fat and cholesterol, no margarine, margarine's just plastic with trans fats.
And what about free radicals? What are they radical about and how did they get free? Where were they before they escaped? Now they riot through our bloodstreams, breaking windows, chanting, stealing color TVs. All because you ate a hotdog.
Without potassium, we have heart attacks, with too much potassium we have heart attacks. They put potassium in everything, just because.
We're Americans, we have no way of doing things in moderation—either the food is bad and should never be eaten, or it's a super food that will change your life.
Eat like a Mediterranean,
live like a caveman—just the diet, not the lifestyle—and you'll live forever, until they decide you were wrong. Remember when Wonder bread helped build bodies 8 ways? Now Child Protective Services comes if you feed it to your six year old.
There is no winning with food, food doesn't care and the experts keep changing the rules. We should all be striving to get down to our original weight: 8 lbs., 4 oz., with a blood pressure of 0 over 0 and no cholesterol—good or bad—or blood sugar at all. Who needs a brain anyway, all they do is make you think.
There's nothing you can eat to make good cholesterol, you get it from being a good person. Bad cholesterol will kill you, if the free radicals don't get you first.
I can have a frozen dinner—
too much salt
or no dinner at all. Maybe I can get by on popcorn (air popped, no salt, but I do use butter because I want to be obese, get diabetes, have a stroke, and die).
too much salt,
and aluminum will give you dementia,
and the plastics, oh, please, let's not talk about the plastics, all those numbers—
why don't I just shoot myself?
Oh, I don't own a gun, and it seems like a lot of money to spend when I could just have fried pork chops for dinner. Or I could if I could cook, which I can't because I cry every time I go in my kitchen. I'm sure the nutritionist can help with that.
I'm skeptical of this whole eating business.
It's a scam.
Sure, I get hungry, but I've found if I ignore it, it goes away, and the dizziness adds spice to my life and makes the headaches worth it.
Food is just a way for farmers and grocers to make money off us, it's a deathtrap, baby, it's a pyramid scheme.
Whatever I'm eating, I'm eating the wrong thing so I don't eat at all and yet I weigh more than I ever have, so I must be lying.
Yes, I'm lying. Really, I eat four meals a day at the best restaurants in town. Anyone can, on a library salary.
I wake up in the morning and drive to work, hungry and my first and only thought is, Oh, no, now I have to think about food again.
I have to spend money I don't have on food that is only going to kill me because I am fat and don't deserve to eat.
I love food.
I have food eater's syndrome. The worse it is for me, the more I love it.
Someday I want to eat a potato chip again,
someday I want to eat a blood rare steak, with a mushroom hemlock sauce.
I deserve this, you can tell by looking at me: see, I'm fat. I must eat all the time and only the bad things, why don't I eat a salad, the portions should be the size of my hand, why don't I skip a meal?
Big, fat, ugly, I deserve this.
The food that loves me is killing me.
Don't I want to have a life, don't I want to have a life, don't I want to have a life?